My Addictions

Just a few...

1. Going to coffee
2. Talking
3. Barnes and Noble Books
4. People Watching
5. Craisins
6. Music like this:

Decisions, decisions..

When I got home from the UK, I was feeling a bit desperate to get into my next project.. whatever that may be. However, like most things in life, my plans never seem to work out like I think they will (Yes, you may laugh). I found myself in a situation where I had no control over how I felt or what I could do: Not a happy thought. Feeling helpless and useless and forced to rest and not get involved in anything kind of scared me. I felt like a failure for coming home early even though things kept coming up that confirmed that it was the right decision. I remember several nights talking to God saying, "I don't want to be here! I want to do something that matters, because if I don't, life is pointless.. But I don't want to just do anything. I want the best. I want YOUR best for me.. so here is what I'm thinking: I won't go digging for opportunities and I won't run away. I'll focus on rest and learning who You are, and when You're ready, will You present me with an opportunity to do something?" I don't bargain with God much, and I don't recommend it at all, but I wanted to reassure myself that God will direct me when it's His timing. The more I experience His timing, the less I understand it! Anyways, all this to say, I now have two opportunities and one choice between them. The time in between now and January has given me a different perspective on what would be a healthy choice. For example, it probably wouldn't be smart to go overseas right away again because moving far away would take me farther from the people that have helped to build me up, and it is hard to acclimate to a new culture. It probably wouldn't be smart to go away to school right away because I'm not completely back to normal, making friends scares me like none other, and I HATE HOMEWORK. :) It would be an added stress that I don't need. HOWEVER, God has provided some things that encourage me to stay close to home: I have a job, new friends and old friends. I may have an opportunity to move out (which I would love) in the near future and just have some down time after a crazy year.

Now, back to my choices. Remember what I told God? That I wouldn't go digging? That I wouldn't run away? Well, an opportunity to serve presented itself in April... and has kept re-presenting itself weekly. It's a two year commitment that would be focused on my personal growth, the growth of reached and unreached teens, and would allow me to stick close to home. On top of that, God has also been revealing some new things about His character that have redefined how I come to Him. He has started me on a journey of experiencing the joy of my salvation: Something that I thought everyone else could have, but I never deserved or understood personally.. but now can share with others.


Maybe you're reading this and think I've already made up my mind, but it's not that simple! Or maybe it is....

Because It's All You Need.

I woke up REALLY early this morning!

Psalm 3: 3-5

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me;
you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.

I cried out to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy mountain.

I lay down and slept,
yet I woke up in safety,
for the Lord was watching over me.


Thank you, El-roi, the God Who Sees. Give me your peace today and remind me again of your faithfulness.

Is it all talk?

People talk a lot about loving freely without fear of rejection or having their hearts trampled on.. and I don't quite know what to do with that. I'd like to be someone who says what she means and has a reputation of being consistent, open, and approachable.. But when it comes down to it, in my heart, I don't want to give someone the opportunity to hurt me. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to give my love freely. My own insecurity prompts me to come across as intimidating so that the people who really care are the only ones who succeed in seeing my real heart. I want to know, "Will they be as invested as I am? How can I tell that they are genuinely interested in my friendship?" Mistakes with people in my past have taught me to be careful with my present relationships. I find that I push people away because I don't trust God enough to protect my heart and be my Security. Sad, but true.

In light of this thought, what does God intend for my heart? How do I develop the ability to love without fear? How do I approach love in spite of my insecurity? Here are a few pointers with my comments included:


Luke 6:35 (New Living Translation)
“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked."

*Without expecting to be repaid. Without making or expecting them work as hard as me to build a relationship. That's a hard one.


1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

*Yes, the most famous verse of love, I know. Love is not irritable. Love is patient. Love keeps no record of being wronged. Love endures. Okay, God, I think I'm starting to get the idea...

1 Peter 4:8
"...Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins."

*Wow! Tough! Love even when you get hurt. It sounds pretty obvious, but it's not so easy to make it personal.

Here's the big one:
1 John 4:18-19
"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first."

*I can love without fear, because HE FIRST LOVED ME. HIS LOVE compels my heart to love. As I grow in Him, so will my ability to love others and trust in His heart.


So, back to my original statement: What do I do with all the talk? Do I go on holding myself at a distance, or do I give in to God's grace and trust that His words will bring me life? I think that all I can do at this point is say, Lord, take my heart. Hold it in your hands. Give me grace to give my love in spite of rejection and an open heart for the people that You give unconditional love to: the kind of love that overcomes fear, anger, bitterness, insecurity, and pride. Let me love like your Son.

One of Those

I guess it's just been one of those days when you can't make anyone happy.. and it's been made very clear to you. :S

Beautiful, beautiful.

I want this to be on my heart all day, every day.

Blessed.

Today I was reminded about God's provision for me.. All glory to Him.

1. My physical therapy bill was waived
2. I have a great new job
3. Someone secretly gave me some money so I can fix my car
4. I have made some new friends
5. Two very dear friends are coming home soon from far away travels
6. I have a lot more energy
7. I have wonderful ladies who are invest in me
8. I can leave the house more than 3 times a week!

:) The list goes on.. Wow.